My back hurts. Jeffrey is a magician. Since the beginning of rehearsals I am facing problems I was able to avoid until now. Since I was 17, I wanted to become an actress. There was no bigger destination than Berlin, Volksbühne and the Ernst Busch School. But acting the monologue I failed every time.
Finding access to a text is horrible. It’s like school. And at school I felt silent inside. Everything I said was always wrong, so I decided to stop talking.
This Wednesday morning Jeffrey asked: »Lisa, what does this sentence mean?« Then nothing worked anymore. And I just answered: »Nah, tell me«! I don’t want to think. I’m a singer and a typical soprano on top of that. Thinking doesn’t work. Not now. Not here. It’s like being at school. When I’m completely out of my mind, I’m silent. A scream turns inward and discharges in a torrent of tears and words. So embarrassing. And everybody is watching.
But then something happened again. It was okay to cry. The shadow was going. I did not have to say anything. That felt good. And I arrived.
We changed the room in order to talk about the characters and the plot. A room full of books. The sun shone. Johannes, the actor, encouraged me to speak. I think he’s very good at feeling what people need and he gives them space. I’m very thankful!
Johannes is great. Laila is great too. They’re so great on stage! So selfless. So open. Like children. Beautiful.
So this rehearsal we only interpreted text. At the beginning it was hell, then it became great and valuable. And after I was told many times that my thoughts are not stupid, I even mixed in. Thanks, that all this happens! This is a great opportunity for me.
I wish I could do everything on my own next week. I don’t like being seen crying and doubting. Being so transparent weakens you.
Undine is like water: clear, cold, transparent, everywhere, overflowing, intangible, one can reflect oneself, one can go to its bottom, let oneself drift away. Drowning in the deep, drowning in the dark.
Oh god and this text. I need time to learn it.
Goldstaub team during the Brennender Schnee/Burning Snow production:
Jeffrey Döring – artistic director
Mariam Haas – set designer
Johana Gomez – set designer
Felix Nagl – sound designer
Iris Schwarz – motion designer
Simon Greiner – motion designer
Elmar Mellert – designer of the art book
Lisa Ströckens – soprano/ actress
Laila Richter – actress
Johannes May – actor
Pascal Zurek – bass baritone/ actor