The End Of The Beginning

My time in Stuttgart and at Solitude has come to a close. Everything in me says that these past six months have been absolutely worth it. This was the first time in my writing career being in a residency where I am my own »boss,« where I have to set goals and deadlines and meet them without anyone sending me »gentle reminders.« In many ways, it has been the kind of time and space I had always dreamed of having… and I am secretly praying and hoping that this will not be the last time I am »gifted« with such opportunities. I had planned this »final« blog to say something completely different until one of the Solitude fellows coordinators proposed me that I write about the topic of dreams.

Dreams, huh! For the past few years, I have been trying very hard not to let this whole »dream world« trouble me. It is hard for me to write about this topic without sharing personal stories as well as confessing that the »world« of dreams is something I would completely avoid if I had the choice.

About 10 years ago, I had actively started researching a logical scientific explanation about dreams. Right from my childhood, I have always had very vivid dreams. What troubled me especially when I was young was that I would dream something, and after a few days, weeks or months, some of these dreams would happen in reality. I remember at one time telling my grandmother that I was scared of sleeping because I would most likely dream of something that would then happen. When I hit my 20s, I started keeping a daily diary of dreams. I did so for several reasons; firstly, for the reason already stated above, and secondly, my dreaming pattern had introduced other dimensions:

I had started having recurring dreams. There were three dreams that would reoccur. They were not pleasant dreams, and that worried me.
The other thing that started happening in my dreams was that I saw several »selves« of me, and the »real me« observing my other selves and intervening where necessary.
The third thing that started happening in my dreams was that I took control of »uncontrollable situations,« for example by assuming some superior powers in my dreams. Whenever I would dream about being chased by something, and it was about to catch up with me, I would grow wings and fly or wake myself up. In the dream, I would be saying to myself something like: »Wake up. This is just a dream.«
In 2008, I heard of a workshop on dreams, and finally I felt that I would be able to hear some logical explanation about my dreams and my dreaming pattern.

In the workshop, the facilitator asked each one of us why we had turned up for the workshop. The first thing he mentioned when I told him about my strange dreaming patterns was: »First of all, you have prophetic dreams…« Prophetic? I thought that that language was only reserved for spiritual spaces. I had decided to go to the workshop with the hope that I would be able to access something beyond the spiritual, something beyond the known psychological narrative. With the mention of the word »prophetic,« I didn’t hear what else the facilitator said. Needless to say, I didn’t go back after the break and never went back for the two days of the workshop that followed. Now, here I am sharing my experiences about these »strange« happenings called dreams and still unable to be convinced by what the scientific and spiritual world offer as an explanation about dreams. Maybe art may offer something, a new dimension, and how I wish I could be here on July 3!

Solitude and Stuttgart, thank you for being very good to me.

»It is never goodbye,« so some cultures say.