the point is going somewhere and getting lost perhaps it is a sense of discovery that I am after I have been after that for years and I have been somewhere and it is not enough it is never enough for sartre desire goes one after another and until death does it leave you alone and perhaps before death you do not want to leave it alone desire moves you into passion and then you lose your head you are in love and you love yourself but you hate the idea that you love yourself so you start to love somebody and this somebody could just be anybody plato that sly man suggested at a drunk party in symposium that eroticism happens away from the bed nobody wants to crush somebody and nobody wants to be crushed by somebody unless there is domination there is victimization this is what those somebodies are after role playing on a beach resort the point is to return but do I want to return probably not why not I probably have a reason deeper than the length of my body so it should not be that long or for that matter that deep after all I like to think that I am thinking about that deep problem that I have but I am never sure when I am thinking most probably I am just talking to myself to kill off boredom if you kill time time kills you right back how about boredom does it kill you back as well I wish it would that should be a good fight otherwise I should be bored to death everybody complains or thinks that they are bored but nobody is really ever bored to death is death more boring than boredom or it is simply the other way round this question or perhaps thought returns me another question it is always a chain of reactions the point is to get it going get it at the beginning when death and boredom begin I am beginning to go somewhere I am pretty sure and secretly giggling about this tiny thought of comparing boredom to death everybody has some idea of boredom at least they think they do or rather they say they do and I can only believe whatever they say but nobody has a clue about death you can be on the border of death and you come back thank god but I hear that jesus revives from death and he is dead even if you believe in him that there is a somewhere you wont be dead that somewhere where he lives he wont live long in you because you will soon be dead your body that is for sure I guess it is better to marvel at the thought that one is dead to boredom but how can one be dead to boredom how can one be dead to something one already knows about or feels about it is impossible but since I have already begun perhaps this is leading me somewhere at least I need a landing place even if a plane blows up in the air it drops somewhere it simply makes a bad turn I am writing those lines so whats the worst thats going to happen and I make regular turns even without hitting a return but I do return often yes I return to where I begin a few lines down perhaps but I do return and nothing changes except I have done some returns and more returns will come around if I keep going without hitting the return nothing is diminished or smaller like walsers yellow journal book I am getting close to a page I guess I am not doing a very good job telling you all this I should be taking you on a residency I had in europe in a little castle perhaps I am thinking of california the thing is I am not doing my job of telling you where I begin in life theres nowhere to begin until I begin I am beginning so what you might ask I can go on with desert with farmland with lightning in wisconsin the ladies there are gorgeous creatures those cows they do not go anywhere they take their little trot in the afternoon then they return without counting they keep eating grass dont I also
an earlier version appeared in Prelude