19/10/17

At the beginning of rehearsal I could not follow a single sentence of the colleagues and the director. Even though we’d meditated together at the beginning. It was too loud inside of me. The room’s neon light takes me far away from my inner self. In this mood I have to read texts. When I went to school I couldn’t even breathe when I had to read aloud. At least now I can do that almost without any problems. I read proudly even though it was blaring inside.

Then the first exercise came and it was bad. I asked to turn off the neon light. Then it sounded a little less shrill. And yet, everything in me refused. A thousand inner voices say »I can’t do that now. I am a singer, I’m not an actress. I can’t look into Johannes’s eyes. I can’t endure that closeness. I want to go.«
I still feel strange and awkward. I love acting. But if I don’t know the rules it’s always like a game of life and death. I feel like that since I’m on stage.

After about two hours Johannes asked for a break. I could not have claimed it myself.
Jeffrey often asks how I feel, which always makes me very happy. I have never heard this question from directors before. I thought directors are always the most unapproachable ones. When he asked me how I was, I only waved my hand awkwardly. Contrary to my expectations, Jeffrey understood immediately and left me alone. The most helpful reaction. I was very thankful.
The rehearsal after break was very different.During the second exercise, the inner voices still appeared from time to time. But I could better handle my slowness and say what irritates and bothers me. And for the first time in my life I could laugh about being lifted up by someone, even if I hate it a lot. I was lifted up.

After the rehearsal I was a kind of relieved, fulfilled, and joyful about the kind colleagues and this exciting highly intense working method. We had lunch outside in the sun among colorful leaves. I was allowed to get rid of many worries and fears and I felt a lot of understanding. For the next rehearsal I wish to admit my uncertainties and needs more. That’s the base from which to work professionally as an actress or singer. And I want to be able to finally be with Laila, Johannes, Jeffrey, and be fully involved! Because when we rehearse I expect this attitude of myself.

Thoughts on Undine:
Undine is neither fish nor fowl. Like me. One time I am the singing actress another time I am the acting singer. Undine is too honest, like me. She is afraid to lose herself by feeling the others’ emotions. Like me. She uses seductive techniques without being aware of it. Like I did when I was younger. She does not know her strengths, as is often the case with me. She feels strange. Like I do every day.

 

Goldstaub team during the Brennender Schnee/Burning Snow production:

Jeffrey Döring – artistic director
Mariam Haas – set designer
Johana Gomez – set designer
Felix Nagl – sound designer
Iris Schwarz – motion designer
Simon Greiner – motion designer
Elmar Mellert – designer of the art book
Lisa Ströckens – soprano/ actress
Laila Richter – actress
Johannes May – actor
Pascal Zurek – bass baritone/ actor